A JUDGE AT A CURRY COOK-OFF

The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened tobe standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beerwagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (coupleof localIndians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, theytold me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."Here are the scorecards from the event

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CURRY # 1

Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove driedpaint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Ihope that's the worst one. These Indian fellows are crazy.

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CURRY # 2

Applesamy's AfterburnerCurry

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be takenseriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I amsupposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wantedto give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer whenthey saw the look on my face.

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CURRY# 3

Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn Curry

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels likeI have been snorting Domestos. Everyone knows the routine by now, got memore beer before I ignited. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now mybackbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced fromall the beer.

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CURRY # 4

Barbu's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish orother mild foods, not much of a curry.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable totaste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the barmaid,was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch isstarting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curryan aphrodisiac?

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Curry # 5

Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, addingconsiderable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admitthe cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me neededhospital treatment. The contestant seemed offended when I told her thather curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue frombleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'mburning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges askedme to stop screaming.

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CURRY # 6

Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spiceand peppers

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,sulphuric flames. I sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried it willeat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me exceptthat sl*t Savathree; she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel mylips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

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CURRY # 7

Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can ofcurry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried aboutJudge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursinguncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I couldn'tfeel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world soundslike it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry whichslid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh*t tomatch my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know whatkilled me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it,I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it inthrough the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

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CURRY # 8

Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all,not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild norhot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passedout, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sureif he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to areally hot curry?

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)